{"id":4900,"date":"2025-11-04T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2025-11-04T07:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ontdekjeheiligegraal.com\/why-do-i-have-a-tendency-to-please-others\/"},"modified":"2026-06-12T14:58:37","modified_gmt":"2026-06-12T12:58:37","slug":"why-do-i-have-a-tendency-to-please-others","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ontdekjeheiligegraal.com\/en\/why-do-i-have-a-tendency-to-please-others\/","title":{"rendered":"Why do I have a tendency to please others?"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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We\u2019d only been dating for a few months, and recently I\u2019d started staying over at his place every now and then. Of course, I\u2019d pitch in with small household chores<\/strong> like loading the dishwasher. <\/p>

I quickly learned that my partner arranged things in a certain way, using a keen eye and a well-developed sense of spatial awareness. I lack a keen eye and certainly have no sense of spatial awareness, but I did my best. I really did my best<\/strong>. <\/p>

And that\u2026 didn\u2019t go well. According to my dear Siem, putting things away could be done a lot more efficiently<\/strong>. When he told me that, I lost my temper: I was already doing my best, and this still wasn\u2019t good enough? What nonsense!<\/u> <\/p>

What is people-pleasing behavior?<\/h2>

My reaction to loading the dishwasher is a prime example of\u201ctrying too hard.\u201d<\/u> In other words, trying to please others.<\/strong> When we use <\/strong>the defense mechanism of trying to please <\/strong> others<\/strong>, we often do so because we\u2019re afraid the other person will reject us. As a result, we (consciously) try a little too hard. <\/p>

“Pleasing<\/strong> is the conscious version of the unconscious survival mechanism known as flattery<\/strong>.<\/a> It is a mechanism we use to ensure our own safety<\/strong> through flattery.”<\/span><\/p>

For those of us who are interested, a survival mechanism is something you unconsciously activate from your brainstem\u2014your primitive brain\u2014to get yourself to safety in the blink of an eye. Whereas a defense mechanism is a conscious process originating in your prefrontal cortex\u2014your thinking brain\u2014to protect yourself from new pain. <\/p>

So when you people-please, you\u2019re consciously trying to avoid pain.<\/u> Usually the pain of rejection<\/strong><\/a>. The other person has to find you likable, sweet, special, and kind. You can\u2019t really do without the other person\u2019s approval and attention. And so you go beyond your limits<\/strong> to be there for the other person: you start pleasing them<\/strong>. <\/p>

Pleasing others, a shield against new pain<\/strong><\/h3>

You can often tell when you\u2019re going into overdrive. Something inside you leans too far forward, toward the other person<\/strong>. Many people who try to please others<\/strong> can even feel this physically in their bodies: they literally lean toward the other person<\/u>. <\/p>

Of course, this is perfectly fine if you just want to listen carefully to what someone is saying. Or if you want to comfort someone, standing by their side is really sweet. And if you just happen to be the caring type, that\u2019s perfectly fine too. <\/p>

But we lose our balance when we try to save the other person, mother them, or make sure they don\u2019t reject or leave us. Then our caring behavior becomes a way to avoid our own pain and protect ourselves from new pain.<\/u><\/p>

Stop trying to please everyone\u2014how do you do that?<\/strong><\/h3>

We can learn to stop trying to please others<\/strong>: for example, by accepting that we don\u2019t know for sure whether the other person likes us, without bending over backward and going out of our way just to prove that we\u2019re kind, fun, or special.<\/p>

By allowing that uncertainty<\/strong> to exist, we create an honest situation: one in which the other person is completely free to choose whether they like us and want to connect with us.<\/p>

We can often only do this once we feel secure within ourselves\u2014for example, through healing work or by achieving stability in our lives. A sense of security<\/strong> is a prerequisite for growth and for exploring new things with curiosity, and this holds true once again.<\/p>

SETTING BOUNDARIES AS A SOLUTION TO PLEASING OTHERS<\/strong><\/h4>

When we allow ourselves to embrace the uncertainty of not knowing, the reward is that we become more less limited<\/strong> <\/a>and more grounded in ourselves. The other person is allowed not to like certain parts of us; that doesn\u2019t make us a bad person (nor does it make them one, for that matter). <\/p>

It does make things more honest: our true selves come through more clearly.<\/span> And usually ,<\/span> that reveals a very kind, caring, and special person. Someone who doesn\u2019t always react or act perfectly, because this person is, after all, only human. <\/p>

A FEW TIPS ON HOW TO STOP PLEASING OTHERS<\/h5>