{"id":4921,"date":"2025-10-07T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2025-10-07T06:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ontdekjeheiligegraal.com\/why-is-it-so-hard-not-to-judge\/"},"modified":"2026-06-12T14:59:06","modified_gmt":"2026-06-12T12:59:06","slug":"why-is-it-so-hard-not-to-judge","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ontdekjeheiligegraal.com\/en\/why-is-it-so-hard-not-to-judge\/","title":{"rendered":"Why is it so hard not to judge?"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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\u201cCan\u2019t I just do anything right the first time?\u201d, \u201cWhy can\u2019t I just act normal for once?\u201d, \u201cOh, how stupid of me!\u201d, \u201cI\u2019ve made such a huge mistake!\u201d, \u201cI never take action either\u2014so nothing ever gets done, does it?\u201d<\/p>\n

REVIEWS<\/h4>\n

Verdict.<\/strong> We\u2019re quite good at it. Toward others, certainly. But also\u2014and perhaps especially\u2014toward ourselves. Shall we start by distinguishing between JUDGING and EVALUATING? We evaluate<\/em> all day long, both consciously and, above all, unconsciously, and that\u2019s perfectly fine. We need our ability to assess<\/strong> in order to survive in the world: \u201cShould I wait at the red light or just go ahead? There\u2019s nothing coming, and I can see clearly around the curve\u2026 maybe I\u2019ll just go ahead quickly?\u201d Okay, it\u2019s not allowed, but it is possible\u2014we can usually judge that just fine. That changes immediately when we judge: \u2018Oh no, I\u2019m already halfway across the street and now that car is coming at me really fast. Why did I even try to run the red light? What an idiot I am for thinking I could \u201cjust make it\u201d and that I was really paying attention\u2026 clearly not. Run!\u2019 <\/p>\n

What exactly is a negative judgment?<\/strong><\/p>\n

“When we judge<\/strong> others or ourselves, we disapprove of what others or we ourselves do.”<\/span><\/p>\n

And that\u2019s what I want to talk about here. Because, why do we do that? Let\u2019s take a look at some of the main reasons. <\/p>\n

BELIEFS<\/h4>\n

As we grow up, we create mental blueprints<\/strong> of our experiences. Intense experiences leave a strong imprint right away, but most blueprints arise because we are conditioned<\/strong>: we go through the same experience over and over again, causing patterns to become ingrained. This also applies to patterns we call \u201cbeliefs.\u201d<\/strong><\/a> These are negative beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us. There is a group of beliefs that is very strongly present in our brains: judgments<\/strong>. \u201cI can\u2019t do it,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m worthless,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m stupid,\u201d \u201cI can\u2019t be trusted.\u201d These beliefs usually arise in our childhood and are often instilled by parental figures (there they are again \ud83d\ude09 ). This is because, for example, they have the same negative judgments about themselves and (unconsciously) project them onto you. Or because they (unconsciously) impose these beliefs<\/strong> on you at every turn. The lack of compliments, kind words, or caring attention can also cause you to judge yourself. And it can also stem from older brothers or sisters who already know or can do more than you, causing you to constantly think that you can\u2019t do something. <\/p>\n

I myself had a father who \u201calways knew better.\u201d He couldn\u2019t handle losing and was always picking fights with us\u2014that\u2019s how I remember it. He also thought my mother was very stupid, and a seven was a grade you got when you hadn\u2019t tried your best. You get the picture: I felt stupid<\/span>. Whenever I did something in my adult life that didn\u2019t turn out well (and that happens quite often), I\u2019d find myself thinking I was utterly stupid again, because that was the judgment<\/strong> I had formed about myself, one that was etched into me like a blueprint. <\/p>\n

This went on until I realized that I\u2019m not actually stupid, but actually pretty smart (see, for example, my LinkedIn post<\/a> in response to Joris Luyendijk\u2019s \u201cThe 7 Checkmarks\u201d). Once I discovered that, I started believing something else: namely, that I\u2019m actually pretty smart, and sometimes I do something clumsy or I can\u2019t do everything. And that’s how it is.<\/span><\/p>\n

LETTING GO OF WHAT OTHERS THINK<\/h4>\n

When we judge others, we reject ourselves.<\/span><\/a> It has now become part of our national culture to do this (especially toward others): we often have strong opinions<\/strong> about others, or they have strong opinions<\/strong> about us. So we are confronted with negative judgments<\/strong> on a daily basis. But there is another way; we can let go of others\u2019 opinions and examine our judgments<\/strong> by asking ourselves: \u2018Is this actually true?\u2019\u201cDo I believe her opinion?<\/strong>\u201d \u201cDo I really think this when I say it about myself?\u201d \u201cDo I truly believe this, or has it unconsciously become part of my blueprint?\u201d \u201cAnd if I let go of<\/strong> this opinion<\/strong> and don\u2019t believe it, what could I believe instead?\u201d In this fairly simple way, we can transform judgments into positive beliefs about ourselves.<\/span> This slightly boosts our self-esteem and reduces shame. In doing so, we let go of the judgment of others or of ourselves and detach ourselves from the opinions of others. Step by step, this has helped me look at myself with more love, patience, and gentleness. Now I see myself as a learner who\u2019s actually pretty smart. And that\u2019s a lot nicer than being a dumb box \ud83d\ude0a. <\/p>\n

A FEW TIPS FOR LETTING GO OF JUDGMENT:<\/h5>\n