What is emotional pain trying to tell you?

“I feel invisible.” “I feel worthless.” “I feel a deep sadness.”

Mental pain is the driving force behind the survival system. This means that pain, among other things, triggers the entire system.

“When we feel emotional pain, we experience rejection or loss.”

And these emotions send a signal to our brains: “This situation isn’t healthy—do something!” Usually, this results in our survival system being put on high alert, and we impulsively cover up our pain. How? By becoming afraid of our pain, by employing our survival strategies, and by fighting, fleeing, flattering, or freezing. And so, layer by layer, we swiftly activate our entire survival system.

What causes us to feel emotional pain?

Does pain feel the same for everyone? No. Our brains (and especially our amygdalae, our “alarm systems”) first determine whether we’ve already experienced that pain before. If so, we’re more likely to sound the alarm during subsequent experiences. Because we’ve been through a similar situation, and it was really unpleasant last time! So you usually react more intensely to something that “resembles” the past than you did before, when you first went through the same experience. And this is despite the fact that you’ve often learned more from that experience and could therefore actually react more mildly. But our brains don’t process that very well. There is no database of wisdom that can be linked to new experiences. Above all, there is a database of danger. And pain is danger!

Safety and Pain

Another factor that influences how intense the pain feels is whether you feel you have the time and space to process it. If you’ve been deeply affected mentally or emotionally—for example, by physical abuse or a death—it’s necessary to keep going before you break down. You have to get yourself, and sometimes others, to safety first, or make sure important matters are taken care of first. Only once calm has returned will you notice that your pain is surfacing and demanding attention.

What have you been through?

Finally, when it comes to experiencing pain, it matters how your day—or even your life—has been up until the moment of this new painful experience. If you’ve been through a lot that threw you off course and you haven’t been able to process it, you’ll experience this new situation more intensely than if your life is actually going smoothly and you’re just going through something that throws you off balance for a moment. You bounce back more easily when life is going well than when setbacks seem to be piling up. Unless you have the tools and have taken the time to process your past pain. Then you’re actually better equipped to handle new pain than someone experiencing the same situation for the first time.

Emotional pain: Rejection and loss

Let’s delve a little deeper into the phenomenon of mental pain. After all, what is it that causes us pain? So, we know that:

• the pain of rejection
• and the pain of loss

What is the pain of rejection?

We feel the pain of rejection when someone treats us unkindly (on a regular basis). Especially when this happens during our childhood at the hands of one of our parents, we can start living according to what the rejection—whether spoken aloud or not—tells us time and again. For example, my father consistently made me feel that I was “too much.” Whatever I asked of him wasn’t possible; it cost too much money, time, or attention. As a result, in my memory, I almost always heard “no” when I asked him for something. Eventually, this led me to stop asking and solve everything on my own. I could no longer handle the rejection and decided: I’ll just do it myself.

I did this meticulously for years. In my relationship, at work, and in my volunteer work at church. As a result, I lost touch with people who wanted to do things together . I didn’t realize it at the time, but deep down, I was afraid to open myself up to the possibility of being rejected again if I asked for help.

I kept this up for years, until I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t handle it all on my own anymore; I’d made a mess of things. I had no choice but to ask for help. I was terrified, but when I did, it turned out there were some really kind people who didn’t reject me, but instead supported and embraced me.

Those experiences of unconditional love became my new blueprint, and now I’ve made it my mission to embrace people who—just like me—felt rejected for years.

I’ve discovered that I no longer have to go through life alone, and I hope you’ll experience that too, because it will allow you to let go of the pain of rejection and heal together.

What is the pain of loss?

Then there is the pain of loss. We feel this not only when we actually lose someone to death, but also when we lose a partner through divorce, or when we lose our innocence, our spontaneity, our job, our security, or our fearlessness. We can lose many things in our lives, and that often causes pain.

This pain must be heard and seen… by us. Grieving the loss is an essential part of the healing process. And that begins with acknowledging that we are in pain. By acknowledging that we carry a loss within us. Do you recognize this in your life? Then you can begin the grieving process from here. You can read how to do that in Discover Your Holy Grail.

Does this article appeal to you? Be sure to check out the books by Discover Your Holy Grail. Are you curious about what we organize? Then sign up for one of our events. You might also want to check out our podcast for more inspiration. Episode 5 is about coping with pain.

My name is Rianne van Kuil, author of *Discover Your Holy Grail – Your Journey from Trauma to Healing
, trauma and experiential expert, and podcast creator. I believe that complete healing from trauma is possible, and I guide people on that journey.

Photo credit: Rudzhan Nagiev