Why do we sometimes find it so hard to accept things?

They say there are different languages of love. You can express your love through words, touch, simply “being there,” or gifts, for example… I think I’m good at all of them, but giving gifts is what really makes me happy. Looking for something that truly suits someone else. Or surprising someone with an unexpected little something—I just love it!

RECEIVED

For a long time, I found it much harder to accept things. Whether it was comfort, encouragement, genuine interest, or a gift… I found it quite difficult to accept them wholeheartedly. Especially when I couldn’t give anything in return, or when the other person didn’t want me to, because they wanted to give me something.

Maybe you can relate. You’d rather be the giver than the receiver. Why is receiving so often so difficult? I suspect it’s exacerbated by a number of factors.

DEBT

We like to keep the score even, or to have the other person owe us just a little more than we owe them. That puts us in a position of power, even if it’s only a tiny bit. We’re just a bit more generous, quicker, friendlier… and the other person is (just a little bit) in our debt. That helps us feel less fear of abandonment or rejection. After all, we’re showing that we care about the relationship and truly see the other person. That gives us a sense of security and makes us feel good about ourselves, too!

ON AND GO

And perhaps something else plays an even bigger role: our sympathetic nervous system. This is our “fight-or-flight” nervous system. When we’ve experienced trauma or pain—or when we’re feeling stressed and overwhelmed—this part of the autonomic nervous system is often firing on all cylinders. It ensures that we spring into action and move forward. And as useful as this is, it also triggers a “give” response in our bodies. And if we want to receive , that doesn’t really help us.

LIFE-THREATENING

When we receive, we open our arms and hands, our chest moves slightly forward, and we lean back slightly. For this to happen, our autonomic nervous system must switch from the sympathetic nervous system to the parasympathetic nervous system, our “rest and recovery” nervous system. It is this nervous system that enables us to receive.

But… if we’ve faced life-threatening situations in the past (and as babies, we often do), this part of our body doesn’t want to receive anything at all, because that could cost you your life. Our parasympathetic nervous system is, in fact, also the highway for rapidly transmitting life-threatening danger to our brains. And if we carry the memory of life-threatening danger within us, it’s not a relaxed state to be in. Then we have to protect ourselves, adopting not an open posture, but a hunched-over posture, protecting our abdomen so that we embrace our vital organs and provide them with optimal care.

RECEIVE = RELAX

So, in order to receive, we need to be able to relax. Not just “switch on,” but actively be open to what is being offered to us. To learn this, it’s essential to recognize the trauma or danger responses in your body. From there, you can—together with a good coach or (body-oriented) therapist—step by step make yourself safe, allowing you to receive in a relaxed state. And that makes receiving gifts a lot of fun, both for you and for the giver.

3 TIPS FOR RECEIVING

• Try to be curious and open-minded toward those who want to give you something.
• Find true peace of mind through trauma work.
• Get plenty of rest so that you regularly enter the parasympathetic nervous system.

This month, I’d like to give you a little gift. Throughout the month of December, you’ll receive a 10% discount on the online course: “How Do I Set (or Reestablish) Healthy Boundaries? ” Use the code: TRAINING-10.

Did this article catch your interest? Be sure to check out the books from Discover Your Holy Grail. Are you curious about what we organize? Then sign up for one of our events. You can also listen to our podcast for more inspiration.

My name is Rianne van Kuil, author of Discover Your Holy Grail – Your Hero’s Journey from Trauma to Healing, and a trauma and healing expert. I believe that complete healing from trauma is possible, and I guide people on that journey.

Photo: iStock-Bankxr