Why am I in a toxic relationship?

“But he’s so sweet!” I can still hear myself saying that about the man who regularly humiliated me, sexually assaulted me, and consistently crossed my boundaries—mentally and emotionally.

“A toxic relationship is an unregulated and unsafe relationship that appears to benefit both parties. Symbiosis is common, as are manipulation, boundary violations, abuse, and violence.”

When we’re in a toxic relationship, we push our boundaries so far that eventually we no longer realize we have any boundaries at all. We certainly don’t feel that the other person’s behavior is so destructive that words like mistreatment or abuse are appropriate. Why do we often fail to recognize that toxic behavior, and why do we keep staying loyal to someone who doesn’t respect or honor us? There are several reasons for this, and I’d like to go over a few of them with you.

There are three key signs of a toxic relationship:

SYMPTOM 1 OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP:

YOU KNOW THE FEELING OF INSECURITY

First and foremost, we almost always end up in family situations that were unsafe . Parents who were not sufficiently present, ambivalent in their behavior, struggling with addictions, or holding extreme beliefs. Perhaps you had to take care of one of them, or one of your parents was depressed or had a mental disorder, causing you to become the parent in the family. There may have been corporal punishment or other forms of mistreatment, abuse, or neglect. And it could have been “milder”: you may not have learned what your boundaries are and how to set them in a healthy way, because you grew up with very gentle parents who sought harmony and avoided any conflict. Who taught you to always be kind and caring. And now… now you’re being kind and caring toward someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries or your well-being.

SYMPTOM 2 OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP:

YOU WANT TO SAVE THE OTHER PERSON

Second, we often want to “save” the other person at the start of a relationship. The man I’m writing about told me he didn’t know any woman he could truly trust. For me, that was the hook: I would be the woman he could trust! I would ALWAYS be there for him. I wouldn’t let him down, and I would be a listening ear. And I became all of those things. Even when it cost me my mental, emotional, sexual, and physical health. I couldn’t let go, because I had promised myself I would be faithful to him. Besides, there was no way I could disappoint or hurt him, was there?

SYMPTOM 3 OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP:

MERGING WITH THE OTHER

And then there’s the symbiosis you seek to feel secure. You really want to become one with the other person, so you can be sure that you’re a team and won’t drift apart. That the other person always gives you what you need—and vice versa: you give everything you have, meet every demand, no request is too much. That symbiosis is the goal, but very often, in the end, you settle for crumbs—as long as those crumbs come spontaneously from the other person. A sweet text, a hug, a compliment: as the relationship progresses, that’s often enough to keep things going. After all, the other person is nice too, right? And didn’t you promise yourself and the other person that you’d be that reliable partner?

HEALTHY, BOUNDARY-BASED RELATIONSHIPS

I wasn’t able to leave this toxic relationship until I started therapy and learned about codependency. About how my boundaries had already been shattered in my past by the sexual abuse and the insecurity at home. By learning about the importance of healthy relationships and by facing my addictive behavior of trying to save the other person and wanting to be special.

If this sounds (even a little bit) familiar to you, it’s important that you seek help. It’s often difficult to get through this on your own. You’re more than welcome to join us at Discover Your Holy Grail. You deserve to have healthy, healthy boundaries in your relationships.

A FEW TIPS FOR RECOGNIZING A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP:

• Why don’t you write down what a healthy relationship looks like to you?
• How many of the items on this list apply to your relationship right now?
• Ask for help to heal from or within this relationship. You can’t fix this on your own.

Does this article appeal to you? Then sign up for the online training: How do I (re)establish healthy boundaries? Also check out the books by Discover Your Holy Grail. Are you curious about what we have to offer? Then sign up for one of our events. You might also want to check out our podcast for more inspiration.

My name is Rianne van Kuil, author of Discover Your Holy Grail – Your Hero’s Journey from Trauma to Healing, a trauma and experiential expert, and a podcast creator. I believe that complete healing from trauma is possible, and I guide people on that journey.

The photo accompanying the article is by Iphoto – CalypsoArt