How do you set healthy boundaries?

It was a good friend of mine’s birthday. I knew her and her parties all too well: they were a blast, and there was plenty of drinking. Not long before this party, I had started therapy and discovered what I already knew deep down: I was drinking too much. Like: one bottle of wine too many per night. Or: 7 beers and 3 glasses of wine too many.

I didn’t want that anymore, because it had led me into some pretty inappropriate situations on several occasions. I could no longer protect my own boundaries, and the other person saw this as an invitation and took advantage of it repeatedly.

And so I decided that day: I won’t drink more than two glasses of wine. That decision changed my life. For the first time, I consciously set a boundary—and stuck to it. That evening, a guy at the party suggested I stay over at his place so I could drink more. And right away, I realized: setting boundaries feels SO GOOD!

“By setting boundaries, you choose what or whom you want to connect with—and what or whom you don’t.”

Workshop on Reestablishing Healthy Boundaries

If our boundaries were crossed earlier in life, or if we didn’t learn what our boundaries are, it’s often very difficult to clearly set our boundaries later in life.

I see this all the time in my coaching practice. That’s why I’ve created a 13-part online course: How do I (re)establish healthy boundaries? In this course, we explore what healthy boundaries are, how they’ve become unhealthy, and what you can do to set healthy boundaries or, if necessary, enforce them.

Influence from the past

In my life, it wasn’t easy to learn how to set healthy boundaries. Neither inside nor outside the family was it entirely safe: sexual abuse is, of course, a severe form of boundary violation, but so is being bullied and growing up in an environment where it’s not your will (because it’s selfish) but God’s, does not help in developing healthy boundaries.

As a result, in my young adult life, I struggled to say “stop, cut it out” and to take my own “no” seriously. Let alone for others to do so. On top of that, I was chronically afraid of rejection or conflict, and I had long since lost sight of my needs were that needed to be protected.

How do I reestablish healthy boundaries?

If you, too, have a history of boundaries not being respected, you may find yourself constantly trying to please others, juggling multiple responsibilities, facing burnout, or dealing with serious boundary violations from others (and sometimes from yourself).

If you’re having trouble figuring this out on your own, sign up for the online training: How Do I (Re)Establish Healthy Boundaries? In this course, I’ll guide you at a gentle pace through the effects of unhealthy boundaries on your daily life right now, such as unhealthy relationships, not being able to stop in time, always wanting to help others, not daring to say “no,” or working too hard.

We also look at the causes rooted in your past, such as parental figures who overstepped your boundaries or failed to teach you healthy boundaries—either because they didn’t have them themselves or because they considered them selfish. And we work extensively on solutions and tools for your daily life, so that you can learn to set healthy boundaries at your own pace and in your own way.

Here are a few tips for setting boundaries:

• You set boundaries in advance, not in the moment.
• Ask yourself: Who do you want to connect with, and who don’t you?
• Ask yourself: What do you want to commit to, and what don’t you?

My first victory at the party left me wanting more, and little by little I began to recognize and set my limits. It wasn’t all smooth sailing, though—sometimes I got too intense, and other times I went on for too long.

But little by little, I discovered what works for me and what doesn’t. And once you know that and experience how wonderful life can be when you listen to yourself, you wouldn’t want it any other way.

Course on Setting Healthy Boundaries

Does this article appeal to you? Sign up now for the online course: How do I (re)establish healthy boundaries? Or read the books by Discover Your Holy Grail.

Are you curious about what we organize? Then sign up for one of our events. You might also want to check out our podcast for more inspiration. Episode 85 is about setting healthy boundaries.

My name is Rianne van Kuil, author of Discover Your Holy Grail – Your Hero’s Journey from Trauma to Healing, a trauma and experiential expert, and a podcast creator. I believe that complete healing from trauma is possible, and I guide people on that journey.