What do I need?

I don’t need anything or anyone at all! The thing is, I really wanted to do everything on my own in life. It taught me a lot: I became very independent, ran my own business, was the main breadwinner during my marriage, and as a director, I was good at setting the tone, carrying the story, and making sure everyone on set was having a good time.

I was doing just fine on my own. Until I wasn’t. Because I couldn’t set boundaries and got caught up in a toxic relationship, I lost my way. But: I’m going to get myself out of this all on my own! I’m definitely NOT going to a therapist.

And I kept that up for a long time, too. Until I just couldn’t take it anymore and someone said to me, “Rianne, this is no way to live! You can’t do this on your own. You really need someone to help you get out of this.”

The stage of denial

Over the years of therapy that followed, I learned that I had been rejected and received so little emotional care that I really was better off doing it all on my own. That was safer. But it was also unhealthy in the long run.

I had shut out my needs for security, connection, and emotional care. I just denied that I needed any of that—if I didn’t acknowledge it, then it didn’t exist, right? Well, it did.

What do I need?

When we deny our basic needs, they remain just as present; we simply tell ourselves they aren’t. But this lack causes us pain, and we don’t want to feel that pain, because it might mean we can’t handle it on our own. And so we cover up the pain.

Through distraction, avoidance, or addiction. I did that for years, too, until I sought and found help. There I learned that I simply—just like everyone else—HAVE needs. And all the needs we have must be acknowledged and, ideally, expressed in our lives.

What is a need?

Okay, but what exactly are my needs? I discovered that we have different categories of basic needs. For example, we have:

• The need for health—both physical, mental, and emotional
• The need for love, security, and connection
• The need for healthy, clear boundaries
• Need for freedom, autonomy, and responsibility
• The need to be yourself and to grow as a person
• The need for truth, recognition, and your own story

This is an incredibly important list: I need this! All these needs want to be fully seen and acknowledged by us. And above all: treated with respect. We need to put them into practice in our lives so that we can live a life in healthy balance. And that’s quite a task, as you can probably tell right away.

That’s why we focus so much on it at Discover Your Holy Grail. For example, with the online course: How do I restore healthy boundaries?

Recognizing your needs

When you are unable to meet your own needs, it is essential that you acknowledge. This creates space for the need, and situations may arise in your life that can help you meet your needs. And sometimes people come into your life who can support you.

Just like me. From the moment I no longer had to do everything on my own, a whole new world opened up for me. I met so many people who wanted to help me, who said, “Let’s do this together.”

Or: just connect with me; I’m safe for you. That was the start of my healing journey: fully acknowledging my need for love, safety, and connection, and saying to life with an open heart, “Let people come into my life who can help me with this.” And they did. Year after year.

Does this article appeal to you? You might also want to check out the books by Discover Your Holy Grail, in which I discuss your basic needs in detail, the denial of those needs, and what recognition brings you. Are you curious about what we organize? Then sign up for one of our events. You might also want to check out our podcast for more inspiration.

My name is Rianne van Kuil, author of Discover Your Holy Grail – Your Hero’s Journey from Trauma to Healing, and a trauma and healing expert. I believe that complete healing from trauma is possible, and I guide people on that journey.

Photo: iStock-Bankxr