Why is it so hard to give recognition?

“All of Us Strangers” is one of my all-time favorite movies. I certainly won’t give away any plot details here, but there is one thing I want to say about it: the film is an ode to recognition.

The recognition that many of us missed out on from our parents as children. Recognition of our mistakes, but above all, recognition of our pain, our sadness, our anger, and our helplessness. Recognition of who we are, regardless of all the labels that have been slapped on us.

“Recognition means giving space to what is, to what lives within us, and to who we and others are.”

Give recognition

Because we’ve received so little recognition, we find it difficult to give it to ourselves later in life. And yet it’s essential that we do so. It’s one of your heroic tools, your resources on your healing journey.

What all needs to be recognized?

• Our pain
• Our History
• Our Present
• The child within us
• Our feelings
• Our actions
• Our needs and desires
• And… who we truly are: our Holy Grail.

Why don’t we give recognition?

So why do we often find it so difficult to give recognition? First of all, we aren’t taught to do so enough by those around us, with our parents playing a major role in this. But even when we are taught to do so, it often feels like a lot of hassle.

We’d rather not face feelings of unease, discomfort, or helplessness. And at first, we often sense this when something starts brewing beneath the surface. It’s all just uncomfortable, and we want to get past it as quickly as possible.

So: we work hard, party, exercise, take medication or other substances. Anything to avoid feeling that lingering sense of unease, anxiety, or pain—and certainly to avoid acknowledging it.

Why is recognition necessary?

Why is it important to acknowledge these feelings? When we don’t, we deny our pain, our past, our present, the child within us, our emotions, our actions, and who we are. We deny our needs and our truth.

And that inevitably leads to addiction, fight-or-flight responses. So it pushes us further and further into survival mode. This can leave us feeling numb, empty, and lonely.

We may even feel down or depressed. All because we don’t make room for or pay attention to what’s going on inside us, what we need, what our story is, and what we carry with us—or who we are.

What happens when it is recognized?

If we were to acknowledge this, we might feel comfort, connection, space, freedom, and compassion. All of this with ourselves and that little “I” within us. Then we could step out of our endless stream of thoughts and break free from our downward spiral of uncomfortable feelings. We could take responsibility and live—truly live.

That is why recognition is so important.

Does this article appeal to you? Be sure to check out the books by Discover Your Holy Grail. Are you curious about what we organize? Then sign up for one of our events. You might also want to check out our podcast for more inspiration. Episode 39 is about recognition.

My name is Rianne van Kuil, author of *Discover Your Holy Grail – Your Journey from Trauma to Healing
, trauma and experiential expert, and podcast creator. I believe that complete healing from trauma is possible, and I guide people on that journey.

Photo credit: Stock Photos