What is your strength?
In the interviews I’ve given over the past few years, I’m often asked if I’m grateful for what I’ve been through. My answer is always the same: no. I’m not grateful for the lack of safety at home. Not for the sexual abuse. Not for the rape. Nor am I grateful for the toxic relationship I was in, or the bullying and exclusion I endured day in and day out for years. I am genuinely not grateful for any of it. In fact, in my view, gratitude for trauma and pain can be a defense mechanism. By being grateful for the pain you’ve experienced, you can cover the sharp edges with a layer of light and love. It can be a “spiritual bypass.”
GRATEFUL FOR THE LESSONS
So I’m not grateful for my painful experiences. However, I am very grateful for what this has strengthened and revealed within me: my strength. I have discovered that I have been able to free myself from the victim mentality, so that I am no longer weighed down by the consequences of the sexual abuse. I have learned to set boundaries, which prevents me from getting into toxic relationships or perpetuating unhealthy patterns. I have learned to rise above gossip and exclusion and to treat the people who engage in this behavior with kindness, but also with respect for myself. I can handle setbacks and even prolonged discomfort because I have resilience and allow my feelings (even the unpleasant ones) to be present in the moment.
SMALL VICTORIES
So, through my traumas, I’ve discovered my strength . And the great thing is: you can too! By taking the time to reflect on your fears, pain, beliefs, and traumas, and working through them— together with people who are further along in their journey than you are. This way, you can discover your strength step by step. How?
- For example, by recognizing small victories and taking a moment to reflect on them.
- It was one of the first assignments my therapist gave me: “Rianne, starting today, you’re going to look in the mirror a few times every day and tell yourself what you’re proud of today. It doesn’t have to be anything big. Just acknowledge the step you’ve taken today on your path to healing.”
It’s a rather uncomfortable task, but there’s a part of me that wants to be the best-behaved girl in the class, so every day I dutifully did exactly what she asked. Every little boundary I set, every glass of wine I passed up, every time I didn’t text the man I loved, but who also abused me. Those were the small victories I celebrated. And through them, my strength grew.
So my question for you is a simple one: What small step did you take today on your path to healing? Celebrate it! That’s how you build your strength, and one day you’ll realize that all these small steps together have formed a path to healing.
Does this article appeal to you? Be sure to check out the books by Discover Your Holy Grail. Are you curious about what we organize? Then sign up for one of our events. You might also want to check out our podcast for more inspiration. Episode 36 is about finding your strength after trauma.
My name is Rianne van Kuil, author of *Discover Your Holy Grail – Your Journey from Trauma to Healing
, trauma and experiential expert, and podcast creator. I believe that complete healing from trauma is possible, and I guide people on that journey.
Photo credit: Stock Photos
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