Why do you use coping mechanisms when dealing with trauma?

“When we’ve gone through something that makes us afraid it might happen again, we seek control. We call this way of dealing with our pain or fear a coping mechanism.”

Some people really want everyone to work the same way they do, others plan their days down to the minute, and still others hope for a miracle. These are all ways of dealing with our lives, our pain, our traumas our fear, and our insecurity.

WHAT KINDS OF COPING MECHANISMS ARE THERE?

You have plenty of coping mechanisms.

• This can be a very healthy way to ask for help, for example
• But it could also be an unhealthy desire for your life to be different.
• It can even develop into a very unhealthy state known as helpless passivity. As a result, you might find yourself unable to get off the couch or look up from your phone.

We often use our coping mechanisms completely unconsciously or with only a limited degree of awareness. For example, when we go through something unpleasant, we start comparing ourselves to others who are “worse off”: “At least I don’t have cancer.” “This is annoying, but Jordy is really going through it. His girlfriend was laid off this week, right after they bought their house!”

By denying these mechanisms we deny we partially deny our own pain or insecurity. This makes it easier for us to survive, but the pitfall is that this denial also prevents us from taking real action, because: it’s not really that bad. As a result, we often remain stuck in an unpleasant situation for much longer than is healthy for us. After all, as long as we downplay our own pain, when will it ever be bad enough to take action?

WISHFUL THINKING

I know someone in my circle whose partner has been ill for a long time. Every year I hear her say, “Something really has to change now, because I can’t take this anymore.” Nothing changes, because her partner remains ill. And she is indeed finding it harder and harder to cope. She has a shorter fuse, more frustration, and underlying anger. Because she refuses to accept the reality of the situation—that her partner is sick—and instead relies on the coping mechanism of wishful thinking , she hopes every time that the situation will improve and “she’ll manage until then.”

CONTROL OVER POWERLESSNESS

Why do we resort to our coping mechanisms even when they aren’t really healthy for us? It’s because the very first emotion we’ve all experienced in our lives is a sense of helplessness. As babies, we felt this all day long, week after week. Because we no longer automatically received our nourishment, warmth, and safety as we did in the womb, the world around us suddenly feels incredibly threatening, since we are not yet capable of self-care.

This results in a constant feeling of helplessness. Because of these accumulated experiences, we know just how awful this feels—it even feels life-threatening—and we want to avoid it at all costs. As a result, we seek control in our daily lives or try to control others using mechanisms from our survival system.

Control gives a sense of power, rather than powerlessness. And that’s a great reason to keep looking.

TAKING CONTROL INSTEAD OF USING A COPING MECHANISM

Until… we discover that, from our Holy Grail—our true and wise self—we have all the tools we need to deal with our powerlessness in a healthy way. For example, by using our skills, letting our character work in our favor, listening to our needs, or putting our acquired knowledge into practice.

We can take risks and embrace the unknown because we are wise enough to carefully guide that leap of faith. That way, we no longer need to control our lives, but instead live from our healthy, spontaneous side with control.

By using your rational mind in combination with your emotional mind, your heart, and your intuition, you decide what the next healthy step on your path is. Now you don’t need to be in control; instead, you can rely on who you truly are and what you’ve learned in your life. This way, you can live your life freely and in control.

Does this article appeal to you? Be sure to check out the books by Discover Your Holy Grail. Are you curious about what we organize? Then sign up for one of our events. You might also want to check out our podcast for more inspiration. Episode 12 is about using our defense and coping mechanisms.

My name is Rianne van Kuil, author of *Discover Your Holy Grail – Your Journey from Trauma to Healing
, trauma and experiential expert, and podcast creator. I believe that complete healing from trauma is possible, and I guide people on that journey.

Photo credit: Stock Photos