Why You Need Others on Your Healing Journey

It was a beautiful, sunny morning, but I didn’t notice. I was in full resistance mode, because I was about to go to group therapy for the first time. A form of therapy I’d hated from the very first moment I heard about it. Talking about your problems with a bunch of other lost souls? Not for me. And yet, that morning, I drove off the highway, into the residential neighborhood, on my way to the group.

CO-REGULATION

I discovered in the group that if you want to heal old wounds, you need others to accompany you on your journey. You simply can’t do it without them. It’s best to compare it to the process of growing from a baby into an adult. A baby needs care from parental figures to survive and is completely dependent on them. This is called co-regulation. Slowly, the baby learns to take care of itself (and later, others). This is called self-regulation. It’s no different on your healing journey. In the beginning, you simply can’t heal on your own. You don’t have enough insight into your patterns, unhealthy habits, thoughts, or feelings. And you usually don’t know how to recognize the effects of trauma in your daily life either. For this, you need others. People who hold up a mirror to you, who show you the way, and above all: with whom you feel safe. Trauma only truly surfaces when there is safety or calm—the latter acts as a source of safety for your nervous system. At the beginning of your process, that sense of safety isn’t yet within you: at that point, the fertile ground of your survival system still has too much hold on you. You live with trauma, pain, and beliefs that primarily give you a sense of insecurity. In addition, you often find yourself in situations that are not entirely healthy or safe for you. For example, due to (family) relationships, financial worries, physical complaints, or other forms of instability.

WHO ARE YOUR RESOURCES?

• Others
• Mentors
• A higher power

During that precarious early period, you need others to support you and guide you, to show you what they’ve already been through or why they view a situation so differently. That’s how you build a safe group of fellow travelers whom you can look up to and learn from.

Mentors also fulfill that role. These are people who support and guide you and can also serve as a confidant. It could be, for example, your therapist, coach, or a spiritual teacher. As long as it’s someone who has gained a great deal of wisdom and knowledge through life experience and is willing to share it with you without judging your situation.

A HIGHER POWER

A mentor can also be a higher power: God, Allah, or The Source of unconditional love and life (as I would call this power). From your consciousness, which lies within your Holy Grail, you can connect to the greater whole, the higher, the mystical. This can help you on your path, because it makes you feel seen and comforted. And through this, you can tap into the wise part of yourself: your inspiration. This leads you to special insights, because there is such an incredible amount of wisdom you can connect with, thanks to the feeling of unity with that higher power.

That day in group therapy would be the first of many for me. Within a day, I was sold: this form of therapy became my new anchor. For the first time in my life, I felt seen, without feeling judged. I was able to lay all my struggles and misery on the table, and no one thought it was strange. In fact, others had similar experiences. And I was able to listen to them. Just like that, in a single day, my resistance melted away like snow in the sun. In fact, group therapy has since become a solid foundation of the Discover Your Holy Grail events. Precisely because of its non-judgmental nature and all the insights you gain in a flash, thanks to the stories of fellow travelers.

Are you curious about our approach to group therapy? Then sign up for one of our events. In Discover Your Holy Grail you can read more about my first experiences with group therapy. You can also listen to our podcast for more inspiration on why healing together is so much better than healing alone.

My name is Rianne van Kuil, author of *Discover Your Holy Grail – Your Journey from Trauma to Healing
, trauma and experiential expert, and podcast creator. I believe that complete healing from trauma is possible, and I guide people on that journey.